Monday, September 27, 2004

Kerry's Drinking Problem?

Over at The Ace of Spades, a debate has arisen about a series of news photos from the AP and Reuters and AFP et al. showing candidate Kerry imbibing beer amongst the hoi poloi in local drinking establishments. The commonality among all the pictures is that while the beer mugs of the folks sitting around Kerry appear to be well drained, his mug remains unusually full. Why is this?

After pondering this monumental quandary for some time, I was forced to join the debate to set the record straight.

I hate to play devil's advocate here but I believe there is a perfectly reasonable and nuanced explanation for J. "F***ing" Kerry's reticence to enthusiastically partake of his tall stein of ice-cold amber lusciousness. Knowing the importance of controlling the symbology elicited from a photo-op, the cerebral Sen. Kerry had to conduct an internal intellectual debate as to what message he wanted to send. Obviously, he wanted to convey that he is just one of the guys. But also, in drinking beer, he also wanted to convey that he is a manly man. However, being of Gaelic descent, he realized that real men only drink stout. So when Sen. Kerry was offered a pale ale, he determined that he would have to settle for the one-of-the-guys symbology only. And with further reasoning, he determined that people of his class don't really drink beer, except at lobster boils, so it was not necessary for him to actually consume the said liquid. After all, most of the bozos in the bar would be so awe struck by his mere presence that they would never even notice that he did not condescend to drink that pisslike swill.

UPDATE: I have been informed, rather emphatically, that John F***ing Kerry is not of Gaelic descent. At first, I thought my theory was debunked. But then I had an epiphany. It was during one of the many intense strategy sessions with his mentor, Sen. Ted "Belch" Kennedy, that he was enlightened with the little bit of Gaelic wisdom that real men only drink stout!